I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying...

I don't take to loss well at all.  In fact, regret is my constant companion.  I miss my Dad.  I miss my brother.  I miss my sister.  I miss my wife's Dad.  I miss them.

I tend towards melancholy and am afraid I have genetically and culturally affected my sons.  The above angels helped alleviate that tendency.  Good thing there is family.

I thank my lucky stars for my "growing up" family and my wife and sons.  Nothing replaces family.

Brothers in Arms

Semper Fi

The Corporal and I are part of the Thin Blue Line.  The Semper Fi is for him.  Always a Marine.  He is "one of the men next to me".

Hope and Gratitude...

Nina Lee Walker and her Daddy

Like my brother, Mike, I have watched The Shawshank Redemption many times over.  This movie was nominated for seven Academy Awards but won none. 

I watched it again the other night, and two related parts came through my brain like a freight train. 

Andy writes in a letter to still imprisoned Red, "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". 

Later in freedom, Red is riding in the bus enroute to find Andy.  His voice narrates his thoughts, "I hope I can make it across the border.  I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.  I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.........I hope".

I am working hard on having Hope in my life right now.  Hope is what keeps me going when I really want to quit and curl up in a the fetal position in my bed.  Hope is my belief that positive outcomes are ahead.  Hope is an endeavor and a choice.  I Hope.

Gratitude.  I was sitting in a Quiznos eating a salad today.  Many times when I am in my cop uniform, "well meaning" people come up to me and start a long diatribe about how they are sure that public servants, especially cops, don't get enough thanks and only are disparaged in person and in the media.....blah.....blah.....blah.  I smile politely and thank them for their words barely able to keep from displaying my ambivalence and resentment for disturbing my meal with such self-serving tripe.

Today, a young man walked by my table on his way out the door.  He was probably about 22 years of age casually but well dressed with a conservative hair cut.  This young man barely paused, looked me square in the eye, and said, "Thank you".   He was quickly out the door before I could choke out a surprised reply.

I am grateful to this young man.  He gave me the a gift of a hope renewed.......I hope.

New Red Friend

C Dub

Grim

Pretty Grim

One of the bicycles I remember most was a hand me down not wanted by a daughter of friends of my parent's.  It was a girl's cruiser bike painted black with pink rims, handlebars and such.  I found that riding it was much like wearing armour as no one wanted to mess with a kid that would ride such a bike.

I don't remember what happened to that bike but two wheeled companions have always been very important to me.  To not own a bike is something I can't ever imagine happening.  I hope there are bikes in Heaven.

So ten years ago, I finally found a two wheeled motorized friend.  It was a start down a very dangerous road.  Not a physically dangerous one.  The thing is one can have the same cathartic experience on the motorized two wheel friend as one has on the non-motorized one.  A fat belly will follow if one is not careful.

Now, I can't imagine not having a two wheeled motorized friend.  Welcome new friend.

Consumed

I used to believe and say I was detailed oriented and had to find out everything about a sport, subject or piece of technology if I became interested.  That it was a good thing. 

Now, I believe I allow myself to be consumed by the quest, research or interest. 

I am not sure that is a good thing.  When I am consumed by work, my family and health suffer.  When I am consumed by a new bike or such, my wallet suffers.  When I am consumed by fretting or worry, my mental health suffers.

I must learn balance and faith.  Being consumed is not so fun anymore...

Relationship with Strings Attached

I have had a long love affair with stringed instruments especially guitars.  I love guitars especially Fender guitars.  I have owned several Fender guitars but never had the time or patience to learn more than basic chords.  I do like just having one.  Keeping a dream alive I guess.

I remember making guitars out of cardboard and wood when I was a child.  I remember being at Dudley McNeil's house making the guitars.  I also remember making instruments, especially a clarinet, out of wood and cardboard for a Roadshow performance at Church.  We cardboard/wood synced to "Baby Elephants Walk".

I played the cello for about 5 years but the guitar is really the instrument that intrigues me.  I saved up my money in junior high and bought a Fender Stratocaster copy from from a pawn shop on Main Street.  I started a band with three other guys and we named our band "Avocado Machine Gun".  I played that guitar until my fingers bled.  It didn't help the neck of the guitar was not adjusted correctly and the strings were too far from the neck.  I don't remember what happened to the guitar but the band broke up when my family moved away from Boise.

Nowadays I stay away from the guitar stores as I fear I will buy another guitar.  A Fender guitar.  A Fender Telecaster Thinline with the hollow body and the humbucking pickups.  Maybe I would find the time to practice and take lessons this time.

Yeah, I know.

Old Man River

The Outdoorsman

When I was 16 years old, I rafted the Middle Fork of the Salmon with my father.  It was organized by the Boy Scouts of America and it lasted a week.  The water was so high and fast that I broke two paddles just moving water.  The water was so pure you could dip your cup and drink right out of the river.

I was in a four man raft with my father, another male adult and another kid, Doug,  from my hometown at the time.  The rest of the expedition was all kids from California.  At the beginning of the trip, my Dad was cooking for just the three of us, Doug, Dad and I.  By the end of the trip, he was cooking for everyone after the Californians discovered how much better we were eating.  I guess not all Californians are space cadets.

One day we all climbed up to some cliffs to see some ancient Indian markings.  It was all pretty cool and we started back to the river.  My Dad stepped on the same flat rock as everyone else did on the way down.  Except this time the rock moved sending my Dad flying.  Dad said he saw the sky twice as he somersaulted down the mountain.  I thought he was badly hurt for sure.  His guardian angel was with him that day... as he dusted himself off, and to our amazement, he was uninjured and unmarked.  Ask me sometime and I will tell you what saved him.  Too sacred to write about here.

Every time we hit a big rapid, the male adult with us would grab Doug and take him out of the boat with him.  At the end of the trip, Doug would turn white just seeing a picture of rapids on the wall of the cafe.  My father accused me of having suction cups on my epidermis as I stuck to the boat every time.  I ended up having to paddle the raft to the shore, full of water, every time everyone else was ejected.  The only time I left the boat was when I reached out to "save" a huge California Highway cop from a rock he was stranded upon.  I grabbed him and remained in that position as the boat went on by leaving me hanging on the guy.  Like a cartoon.

Towards the end of the trip, it was customary to jump off a high railway bridge to complete one's anointing as a "river rat".  The first jump was really scary as it was high and the river was fast.  But when you jumped and hit the water, you were "whooshed" down river  by the fast water.  It was a rush. My father had no intention of jumping as he had done it before on previous trips.  The float leadership declared they did not want any adults jumping as they were afraid they might be injured and their presence as chaperones came first.  Well, my Dad went right up to the bridge and jumped off.  I had laugh about that as it was amusing they were going to tell my Dad what to do.

I had my Dad all to myself for a whole week.  'Nuff said.

Yeah, I know...

Another Old Friend Passes

I guess as you get older Life starts taking instead of always giving.  The motor finally went out on my truck that was been with me for 32 years.  I sold it to someone who has the heart for rebuilds.  Not me.  My friend, thanks for all the great work and memories.

Keisha

Keisha the Magic Cat

I lost my little cat due to kidney failure.  I held her for a long time and cried before letting the vet take her to put her to sleep.  I miss her very much as she was my close companion.  This is quite unusual as I am not a cat lover normally.  In fact, I am allergic to cats.

Keisha was a different "cat".  We had great interactive conversations and she kept my heart soft.  She had a raccoon tail being part Calico and part Siamese.  No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I was lucky she found me the day after I buried my father.  She helped me through some tough times because, of course, we were always in agreement on everything.  A true ally.

Yeah, I know...

Holidays Schmolidays

Sixteenth Birthday

I haven't been much for holidays since my father died.  He really liked holidays and enjoyed having a reason to celebrate.  Many of the holidays just aren't the same without him present

Unfortunately, most holidays have become so commercial and contrived as a way for people to take money or put people on a guilt trip.  Or for people to have a reason/excuse to drink adult alcoholic beverages.  I can't stand and ignore most of them.

Now, Birthdays are a different story.  Birthdays are a real celebration for a very real event.  The day each one of us came into this life.  Some of my best memories stem from birthdays.  My birthday was two days after my brother's birthday and very close to Christmas but my parents always tried very hard to make each birthday special and fun.

I dreaded my own birthday for a while because it was a reminder I am getting old.  Funny thing...now it is a celebration of surviving another year.  Gives a whole new meaning to "enduring to the end."

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.....Great song...Thanks, James.

Happy Birthday...

High Fashion Sense

Rosel Hunter Walker

I received my strong sense of fashion and taste from my paternal grandfather, Rosel Hunter Walker.  (Lucrecia, you don't have to wonder anymore.)  I have a son and a brother named after this grandfather.

I am very fond of my grandfather.  He died when my youngest son, Andrew, was almost a toddler.  He had a very gruff exterior that belied his great love of his grandchildren and great grandchildren.

When I was between semesters of college, the first time, I was employed by the Idaho Power Company as a meter reader.  I was the fill in and would allow the old timers to go on vacation.  The most senior meter reader met with me immediately.  He told me they would make sure I received the most easy to interpret "books" if I was sure never to return each work day before 5 p.m.  I solemnly promised and soon found out why.  At my pace I could easily finish a "book" by noon.

As luck would have it, my paternal grandparents lived in Twin Falls where I happened to be reading meters.  (I lived in Buhl at the time.)  I would finish my "book" and have lunch with my grandparents every day at their trailer house.  I would eat my baloney sandwich and tomato soup.  (Dip it like a french dip.  Yum.)  I often spent the whole afternoon with them.

I got to know my grandparents quite well and met the gentle side of my grandfather.  I would revel in the stories of their travels and stories of my father and his siblings.  I yearn for those simple times driving my old '55 Chevy pickup truck.

Yeah, I know...

Touched By an Angel

Grim Reprised

I picked up Grim from the mechanic with new black stuff and Feuling Reaper 525 cams.  Boy, did those cams wake the motor up.  Deeper, meaner growl now.  Not to mention how the bike sounds.

Yeah, I know.

They Got Game...Had Game...

Taco Bell  1998ish

For about ten years, Taco Bell sponsored a team full of cops.  We ran two squads and alternated playing quarters.  The teams we could not beat with talent, we just plain wore down with fresh legs.  This picture is from a ten team public service tournament and we cleaned up.  We also had the same guys pretty much every year which helped greatly.

We especially enjoyed beating the prosecutor's office and fire department teams.

Yeah, I know...

Instant Celebrity

One of my peeps sent me a photo taken from their DVR.  This is at All Star Saturday night during the 3 point shootout.  You can see Ray Ray behind the cat in the beard and Paul Pierce is right next to him.    I don't remember the names of the Cleveland guy or the other guy.  It is kind of the opposite view that I took with my phone camera.  Too bad the DVR thing is on the screen.

Crazy but cool.  At least for me.

Yeah, I know...

Say It Isn't So...

Nate and Perk

Perk Putting the Stop On James

I tuned in to watch my Celtics play tonight and much to my chagrin I found Doc and Danny had traded Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma...!?!?  How could this be...!?!?  Perk was my second favorite active player in the league.  Then I get the rest of the story.  Boston tried to keep Perkins with a 4 year 22 million dollar contract extension but Perkins wasn't going for it.  Shame on you Kendrick.  I will miss you.

Yeah, I know...

Roughing It In The City of Angels

N.B.A. 2011 All Star 3 point Contest

N.B.A. 2011 All Star Game

The top picture shows where I was sitting/standing on Saturday night.  The lower picture shows where I was standing on Sunday night.  Even a loser like me wins sometimes.

Funny how Ray got in that one picture.

Yeah, I know...

N.B.A. All Star Weekend

Jordan Evolution '85 - Ray Allen PE

Air Jordan 2011 - Ray Allen All Star PE

Just got back about an hour ago.  It was a great 5 days.  Many experiences and stories.

Ray wore the white and green Jordans for the 3 point contest.  I really wanted a Celtic to win that contest in the Staples Center.  Darn it...!

The 2011s he wore were beyond cool.  None of the media or shoe gurus knew they existed and surprised everyone.  Ray played well.

More stuff than I can process right now.

Ready to Take a Poundin'...

I have wanted a Grayman Ground Pounder for quite some time and finally found just the right one on eBay.  It will probably get here while I am in L.A. for All Star Weekend.

I am glad I am not a gear guy like Lorin...

Yeah, I know...

Ray Ray Breaks Reggie's Record

Ray Ray

Ray approaches the NBA all-time three-point record warming up in two different sneakers: the AIR JORDAN IX Retro “Bin 23″ with green laces on his left foot, and his player exclusive version of the AIR JORDAN XI on his right foot.


If you add the AIR JORDAN IX with the AIR JORDAN XI you get XX or 20, which is also Ray’s jersey number.

Ray breaks the NBA’s all-time three-point record against the Lakers on February 10, 2011. He tied the record with 4:14 left in the first quarter, and nailed the record-breaker with 1:48 to go, finishing the game with 20 points (three treys) and 2,562 total.


The AIR JORDAN XIII that Ray wore has an Egyptian symbol lasered on the shoe that means “It Is Written.” There is also “2561…”

Mountain Man in Civilization

It is 4:25 a.m. and I have just awakened from a powerful dream.  My brother, Lorin,  and I were back in the days of the mountain man when very few white men were in the Rockies trying to stay out of conflict with the Lamanites living in the region.  We were walking on foot cross country when we spotted 7 Crow Indians riding away from us and we kept a wary eye on them.  Suddenly, they turned and rode full bore at us with spears and tomahawks raised.  I had my long staff and axe at the ready and I saw my brother had his long rifle and axe also deployed ready to do battle.

Suddenly, the lead attacker pulled his horse to a stop and leapt from the steed.  He walked over to us and squatted down and sat cross legged.  I also sat cross legged but my wiser brother only lowered himself to his haunches being ready to do battle if necessary.  Another Crow strode up to my left.  The leader offered a pouch full of strong medicine to my brother in a gesture of peace and was laughing to hide his fear of us. My brother accepted the pouch and the group of us, Nephites and Lamanites, celebrated together although the one to my left did so by kicking me in the legs.  I figured it was his way of celebrating or something.

My eldest brother, Lorin, is a mountain man is many ways.  He loves the mountains with their still, serene lakes and high places.  I believe he would live in them if he could.  There is a grandeur he is able to take from the Boulders and the Sawtooths that has become part of him.  Lorin loves to explore new territory and  discover new horizons and boundaries.

He is currently doing that in his life in civilization.  He is having to explore new horizons of suffering and discover new depths of human existence and death.  I stand in awe and reverence at the way he is walking this path of loss and growth in the mountains of losing his loved one to cancer.  I wail and cry during this process while he seems to ride it with an inimitable positive mindset as he fights these "savages" who attack his best friend.  He comforts others and seeks the good and acknowledges the growth of others during this trying process.

He seems to have made that peace but the injustice is kicking me in the legs although I should be and try to be peaceful.  Not so, as my anger is strong and I scream at the heavens.  I scream at the heavens....

Ray Ray Again...

Big Green beat the Orlando Magic last night despite being without a couple of key players due to injury.   Ray Ray was his usual smooth self scoring 26 points (8 of 11 from the field) including icing the game with late game free throws. 

It took me a while to figure out the kicks Ray Ray was wearing as I was looking for something newer.  He was wearing Air Jordan XIs in white, green and gold.  Nuthin' more cool than those sneakers.

Rockin...

Who's Your Padre...?

I just flew back in from South Padre Island, Texas, after working a security gig for the N.B.A. at the annual Development League Showcase.  It was six solid days of watching four professional basketball games a day, for four days, and providing oversight for the player and venue security.

The Idaho Stampede split the two game they played at the Showcase.  Definitely a Jekyll and Hyde team this year.

A highlight for me was meeting Randy Brown and Pete Myers of the Chicago Bulls.  Both ring holders and scouts in the Bulls organization.  They both hit the scout/staff pickup games every morning at 0630 hrs.  It was pretty cool playing with Darvin Ham, Brandon Williams and other former N.B.A. players of that caliber.

It was very interesting how differently they treated me after playing in the mornings.  I was no longer the cop that does security but a wood floored brother gym rat.

South Padre Island was a real disappointment however.  Having been to Key West last November, I was expecting a similar environment.  Not.  Hokey and boring.  I hope the N.B.A. does not have it there again.

Oh, and I scored another cool basketball.  It's called "The Rock".   Really, it is.

Yeah, I know...